The Creatures of Christmas

Peter,

The ‘haunting’ at the Palace Theatre makes for good entertainment value, but the S.P.R.’s investigation is becoming a nuisance: the basement studio has been identified as a particular ‘hot-spot’ with the consequence that the Players’ rehearsals are sporadically interrupted by outbreaks of hysteria. Last night, I dropped in to find Brenda Wishart cowering from the draught of cold air that preceded me into the room – she thought it indicated a spectral presence, a delusional panic that quickly communicated itself to several of her colleagues. Later a smashed cup caused further consternation and Nina Kelly, clearly exasperated, sent everyone home. As you know, this is her first stint directing and, judging from her demeanour, it might be her last.

Coincidentally, the Walter Greer mural was unveiled last Friday: ‘A Tribute to Drumfeld’s Brothers Greer and the Enduring Spirit of Panto.’  A cluster of indistinct blotches was already evident at the mural’s furthest corner, partially concealed by a strategically placed catering trolley; within forty eight hours, these had multiplied, creating a mottled effect that has subsequently darkened to the extent that several of the featured performers are no longer recognisable. Naturally, the S.P.R. team has seized on this as further evidence of poltergeist activity, ignoring more common-place explanations provided by the Palace caretaker (who blames the antiquated heating system) or Scott Simpson, the artist, who queried the designated wall’s suitability from the outset.

The haunted mural is now covered by a sheet and panicked actors scurry past en route to rehearsals: by Nina’s estimation, preparations are now a week behind schedule and she’s resigned to the possibility of cancellation – a first since 1986 when Walter Greer suffered a heart attack while berating the children’s chorus.

G.K.

F.A.O. Kirstin McVicar – The Drumfeld Gazette

Dear Kirstin,

I enjoyed your article, ‘Forgotten Stars of the Drumfeld Panto’: I hope that you’ll forgive my correction.

The actor identified as Francis Kemp is, in fact, the late Angus Milner: neither, I suspect, would thank you for the mistake!

Angus was an occasional contributor to Lomond Sound’s Business Time, but he’s best remembered for an appearance on Dragon’s Den on which he failed to convince the panel to invest in his Pacifier – a muzzle for obstreperous and badly-behaved children. Despite insisting that the Pacifier was “100% safe”, Angus struggled to escape the association with child cruelty – a stigma about which he became increasingly depressed.

His casting in the 2008’s production of Peter Pan (as Hook) might have presented an opportunity of redemption; unfortunately, he was ill suited to such a prominent role and humorous references to the Pacifier alienated the audience. After each performance, he was vociferously booed, a judgement that, according to friends, precipitated a rapid and terminal decline; his last years were blighted by alcoholism, though occasional appearances on Business Time revealed a self-effacing humour, sadly predicated on the single blunder that defined his life.

G.K.

Re. Christmas Memories – The Palace Theatre, 1994

Irene,

You have (slightly) mis-remembered: the ventriloquist in the photograph was called Vance Waddell and his dummy was ‘Philo’ (though on reflection ‘Milo and Vince’ does seem easier on the ear.)

I’ve no idea if Vance still practises what my father referred to as ‘the dark art’; as I recall, he struggled to master the most basic tenets of his craft, instinctively covering his own mouth as ‘Philo’ spoke and removing his hand to reply.

Some were charmed by the effrontery with which Vance signaled his incompetence; unfortunately, Philo’s louche persona became repellent, alienating the audience and rendering his ‘master’ vulnerable to hostility and assault.

G.K.